


I' Esprit De Escalier

by JoJiHo



Category: Monsta X (Band), Wonho - Fandom
Genre: Alternate Universe - Idols, Alternating Past and Present, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Gay, Homophobia, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, M/M, Moving On
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-09-05
Updated: 2020-09-04
Packaged: 2021-03-06 17:49:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,071
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26282941
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JoJiHo/pseuds/JoJiHo
Summary: I' Esprit De Escalier(Feeling that I should have said something, after leaving the conversation)Where stars struggle to shine in the night sky.ORHyungwon and Wonho are singer duo, with a lot of secrets.
Relationships: Chae Hyungwon/Lee Hoseok | Wonho, Lee Jooheon/Lee Minhyuk, Son Hyunwoo | Shownu/Yoo Kihyun
Kudos: 1





	I' Esprit De Escalier

"I'm leaving for my part-time. I'll be late, so don't wait for me and go to sleep."

Wonho looked up from his phone, eyes wide and curious.

"But don't we have to go practice?"

A smile found its way on Hyungwon's face, as he looked at Wonho.

"Skip!" He winked at him, and both of them laughed at their own antics. Practice wasn't hard when they both were together, but there were times when they loved to use the 'Skip Chance Card'.

"Fine, but can't you stay tonight? I miss you. Actually, why don't you quit the part-time job? We don't need money-"

So maybe, Wonho shouldn't have said the last part, because as soon as those words left his mouth, suddenly, the air of the room fell down by a few degrees, along with Hyungwon's smile.

"You know why I do this. I won't quit my part-time jobs." Hyungwon declared, hanging the backpack on his shoulder. Wonho stood up from the sofa, phone still intact in his hand. The comments section was scrolling down themselves, with the incoming comments, but it wasn't important anymore.

"Ok fine. Don't. But can't you-" Whatever he wanted to say was cut short by the shutting of the door, and Wonho's eyes stared holes in it. The live show of their latest performance playing on the living room TV was long forgotten.

* * *

  
_"The person you are trying to call is not answering at this moment. Please leave a voice message or try again later. To leave a voicemail, dial 1."_

Wonho took a second to decide, and pressed 1 on the dialpad. The beep sound indicated that the recording has started.

"Hey, Hyungwon. I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said that. I really am sorry, so how about you come back and we talk it out? At least please accept my call. I'm worried sick. It's 2 in the morning and you're still out. You'll be cold. Come back, Wonnie. I miss you. I love you."

Wonho set his phone aside, waiting for the destined person to receive the message. Wonho wasn't sure why he chose to meddle with that topic when he knew Hyungwon could be sensitive, but now, he _clearly_ regretted.

The phone still lay on the table, and never in once did it light up, and Wonho wouldn't be lying if he said he wasn't feeling good about this. Hyungwon always worked till 12 at max, but it's been almost 3 but there were no signs of the younger returning. Resorting to the last method, Wonho pulled out his coat, put on his mask and after making sure that he tucked his phone inside the jeans pocket, he locked the door as he headed to the convenience store that Hyungwon worked at.

The convenience store was towards the countryside, so nobody recognized Hyungwon as a celebrity, making his part-time job easy for him. Their company was against it, but Hyungwon was firm in his stand, saying that he wanted to spend some time working on his own rather than for the company, and Apex Entertainment was no big company, risking to lose a potential star.

As Wonho drived to the countryside, the night air turned somewhat warm, with the promises of a warmer morning. Hyungwon loved to spend the early mornings in their balcony, and though he wasn't morning person, whenever their schedules ended up late, he always sat on the bench in their veranda, arms spread out, and eyes closed in bliss.

The doors to the convenience store opened, and Wonho's eyes went to the cash counter first. Unfortunately, instead of Hyungwon, a short girl stood there, her face covered with a mask and hair falling on her face as she counted the money on the counter.

"Have you seen a tall man wearing a blue hoodie? I assume he had the previous shift."

The girl looked up, scanning Wonho. For a moment, Wonho feared she would recognize him, and he would have a bigger trouble escaping here than finding Hyungwon. After all she seemed like in her early twenties, and most of their fanbase was based around that age.

"Are you...Wonho?" She asked, and within a moment, Wonho turned around, already deciding to leave the place. If he's be lucky, he would be able to get out of here before she calls someone else.

"Wait! If you are asking for Hyungwon-oppa, he left the counter at 1." She shouted, and Wonho turned around to meet her eyes. She had lowered her face mask, and now that Wonho could see her face, he felt a little safer about the situation. Moreover, she knew Hyungwon, so it meant she wouldn't try to do any crazy _fandom_ stuff.

"At 1? In the morning?"

"Yeah. Did he not reach home yet?"

Wonho nodded, his mind wandering off to various possibilities, now that he knew Hyungwon wasn't at his part-time. The worst possible scenario is that someone kidnapped Hyungwon, which means their company has to be informed. Now that he thinks, in any case, the company has to be informed, or at least their manager, because he definitely couldn't find Hyungwon just by looking around.

He thanked the young girl, and exited the store, pulling out his phone and dialing the manager.

"Hyung, I need your help."

 _"What?"_ His manager's voice was low, and Wonho knew he woke him up.

"Can you call Hyungwon and ask where he is?"

 _"What? Why? Where is he?"_ The manager seemed a lot more awake by now, and from the bustling noise in the background, he was also getting ready for the worst case scenario.

"He left for part-time at around 9 yesterday, but he hasn't returned since then. He isn't picking my calls."

 _"Why isn't he picking up your call? Is his phone switched off? Where are you? Open your door. I'm coming downstairs."_ Wonho liked the agility of their manager, but he was too talkative, especially when he's stressed.

"I'm not at home. I'm here at the convenience store he works for, and they say he left at 1. It's 4.30 and he isn't back yet."

The line was silent for a complete 30 seconds, before the manager spoke again.

 _"I'll contact the agency, so come back home. You can't find him by yourself, and right now, it's important that we keep you safe. i'll wait till you come home and then we'll leave for the agency."_ The line went dead, and Wonho stared at the phone, before he got back into the car, driving back into the city.

* * *

  
"So you fought yesterday, and you won't pick up his phone because-" Hyungwon's voice was a buzz over the phone, but Wonho was relieved that at least he was safe wherever he was. But apparently, the company wasn't.

"Come back now!" The phone was slammed onto the desk, and even Wonho had to hold back a shudder. Whatever this is, it isn't going to end well, so he hoped Hyungwon was prepared for it. Somehow, he felt that he was also at fault- if he had waited for another hour, Hyungwon would have probably headed home.

The meeting room was quiet, until the door opened and Hyungwon entered, hair ruffled and eyes still a bit swollen from sleep. His clothes were crumpled, but even in this condition, he was the prettiest to Wonho.

The CEO stood up,his fist banging on the table, and eyes on fire. Following him, their manager stood up as well, scared and almost hidden behind the towering man in front of him. Hyungwon looked slightly guilty, but it wasn't enough for the fiasco he caused.

"Who told you to go to your friend's house, without informing any of us?"

"It wasn't intentional. I was heading home, but I sensed someone was following me, so-"

"Then you should have called us! Or Wonho!"

"You can't expect me think rationally when I'm scared out of my wits." Hyungwon was a fluent speaker, and if Wonho put it in nice words, an opportunist. Being one of those, who brought the downright bankrupt entertainment agency into a successful limelight, he used the status well enough, and some times, quite lavishly. So even if he talked back to the highest person in their company, they didn't dare pull him out- because it would be their loss.

"You should have at least called after you reached your friend's home." The manager sighed.

"My phone was on silent, and as soon as I woke up, I called back. I don't see why it is a problem. I am back at time."

"You weren't here the whole night, and you think it's fine?" Wonho had a patience level that touched the core of the Earth, but he still tried to hold back when it came to Hyungwon. The younger was a sensitive person, howsoever tough image he showed of himself to the world. But there were things that Wonho wasn't ready to tolerate, and whatever Hyungwon wanted to show and prove right now, was one of them.

The absolute threat and decibel level of Wonho's voice managed to crack Hyungwon's cold facade, and even the manager and their CEO sensed it.

"It's fine, anyways. You're alright and back, so we should end things here. But don't do it again, Hyungwon." The CEO settled it. He took a look at Hyungwon and Wonho, who were having a silent stand-off, and realized that they need to resolve this by themselves.

"Wait in the practice room. Your manager will drop you home, after I resolve some matters with him. Practice is at 2 in the afternoon, so get some sleep and... talk it off. Whatever it is." He said, before exiting, and the manager followed, after giving them a last look.

* * *

  
"Hyungwon..."

"Don't. I just needed to cool down, and that's the only place I could think of."

"So, you thought going to Kihyun and Hyunwoo's is better than coming home and talking it out?" Wonho was trying his best to do it- talk it out. But Hyungwon's tone and attitude was making it harder for Wonho to contain himself.

"There's nothing to talk out. I told you I won't quit, and I just..." Hyungwon's head fell on his chest, trying to contain the tears of frustration, but Wonho was far off, sailing in the boat of anger that he didn't observe.

"So for just that-"

"IT'S NOT JUST!" Hyungwon's voice rang in their empty practice room. His whole frame shook with anger, frustration and mostly, fear. He had never raised his voice at Wonho, but this time, he wanted to make it clear. To others, his freedom might be one of the things he _had_ to give up if he wanted to become an idol, but to him it was more than that.

But more than anything, his part-time wasn't his freedom, it was a lot more than that.

But, he didn't expect the body that launched itself on him, neither did he expect the slam he made into the wall. His back hurt from the impact, but his heart hurt more from the tears in Wonho's eyes. And he knew the elder well enough- the tears weren't for himself, they were for Hyungwon.

"I know. I said I'm sorry. I know it's your dream-"

"Our dream." Hyungwon corrected, and a small smile made its way on Wonho's face, the grip on his waist loosening.

"Yeah. Ours. Our dream. But please don't leave home after a fight. You know it makes me anxious." Wonho's head landed on Hyungwon's shoulder, and Hyungwon's hand automatically found its way into his hair. The soft ministration was the only activity that carried on for a complete minute, along with the sweet silence that spread over. There was a tinge of awkwardness in it, but the way their bodies relaxed in each other's presence- it was more than enough for the moment.

Wonho took a deep breathe, and raised his head to look at Hyungwon. By now, they were completely lost in themselves, and they failed to recognize their surroundings. For the moment, the only thing they both could see were each others eyes, and the emotions that flowed in them.

Maybe it was Wonho, or maybe it was Hyungwon. They didn't realize it until both them leaned in, and as soon as their lips touched, their eyes fluttered close and a heavenly euphoria spread over. It wasn't even their first time, and definitely not the most explicit thing they did until now, but the amount of love that poured in from the contact was overwhelmingly sweet. Their bodies tangled themselves, as if by instinct, and as they separated for breath, a soft sigh left their bodies. Their lips soon found each other again, and this time it was more heated than before. Their tongues fought for dominance, hands grasping tighter at the hoodies, and it was a moment of pure bliss....until it wasn't.

  
"W-What are you both...doing?"

And at the door stood their manager, eyes blown off, and mouth falling open.

* * *

Training for idol was difficult, and Wonho learnt it the hard way. There were times when he thought that it would have been easier if he had continued to study, and not choose to become an idol. As a trainee, life is never an easy thing. Starting from his daily life schedules to his food habits- all of them changed in a blink of eye. And probably it was more strict than anywhere because Apex Entertainment wasn't anywhere known in the music industry.

Apex had previously launched a group that disbanded within 8 months, and another one which even the trainees didn't know about. Therefore, the company had high expectations towards next debut group- because if it fails, they had to announce the company as bankrupt and close off. And in such a company, came a new trainee, and more than jealousy or competition, the others just fell pity for him. Because he was was stepping into a sinking ship.

Wonho was himself quite curious who the new trainee was, because it wasn't everyday that a borderline bankrupt company expects a new trainee. The said boy was tall- tall enough to stand out among the sea of trainees that surrounded the reception area, and his visuals were clearly a requirement for an idol. But what caught Wonho's eyes were the lips.

Wonho wasn't sure what his sexuality is- he didn't have time to sit down and think about it. But now that he ponders, he might be either or a bi or a gay- anyway he isn't even near the homosexual range, looking by his reaction to Hyungwon. He didn't know what to do with the information, because it isn't like he can _date_ him, at least not here, where the people are still very much conservative about sexuality.

Maybe, Wonho wouldn't have had so much of a trouble dealing with the latest revelation about himself, if wasn't for Hyungwon, who was _unfortunately_ assigned to be roommate with Wonho. Even if it helped that the boy mostly kept to himself, avoiding starting a conversation and keeping his words to bare minimum to answer, Wonho was troubled was the male's presence itself.

* * *

Hyungwon wasn't actually thinking when he signed up for Apex Entertainment as a trainee. Somewhere inside, he knew that with the skill and looks he possessed, he could have actually got into a pretty good agency, that would actually pay for their trainees. But the moment he stepped out of his house, breaking the vase near the door, along with the prejudices his family held against him, he decided he just needed to do _something_. _Anything_.

It wasn't his choice when he realized he wasn't homosexual, but that shouldn't have changed the fact that he still was as much human he was before the truth came out. His parents couldn't simply kick him out for being something that he doesn't even have control over, but now that it happened, he decided he's going to show them- that it doesn't matter what he is. All that matters is what he has. He has talent, and he'll rise based on that.

As a trainee, he, more than anything, wanted to prove himself- to his family and to all those who thought his life could be easily destroyed by the fact that he's a gay. Even though training was a hell with a monotonous routine to life-threatening levels of training, if it meant he could succeed, he could hold it in. He could just cry into his pillow, and no one would know how much it hurt. _Not that it mattered to anyone, even if they know._

But his nosy roommate had a completely different opinion. Hyungwon wasn't sure what Wonho was doing up at that time of the night, but he was pretty sure the hiccups weren't inaudible. Being the dormitory of a company like Apex, they had rented apartments, with 2 rooms each house, and even if a house with 6 people shouldn't be that cramped, it somehow was.

"Um... Hyu-Hyungwon?" Hyungwon could have easily ignored it, and pretend to sleep, and then later play it off as a nightmare. But the way Wonho called him, with so much care and worry in his voice, he felt fresh tears filling his eyes.

All he did was turn around, a look at Wonho, and Wonho placed the glass of water next to the bedside lamp and plopped down the bed. Not a word was exchanged, as both looked into each others eyes.

Hyungwon never liked silence, because it meant so many unsaid words and emotions. Sometimes, they were meant to be understood, and sometimes just kept hidden. But Hyungwon wanted to know. He wanted to know what people thought of him, what his close ones thought of him, and even if can't be always possible, he wanted to be remembered as good as he could try.

He could have easily backed off the moment his parents refused to accept his sexuality, or even at the point where they declared he wasn't their son the moment he stepped out of the house. But as much as his image in people's eyes would have been good, _he_ couldn't have lived with the guilt of lying to _himself_. 

  
Wonho was an early riser, thanks to the one year of extra training he had as compared to Hyungwon. Though he wondered training was even one of the things that could change Hyungwon's sleep habits. To his surprise, Hyungwon didn't act any strange after that morning, and if he was being frank, he couldn't help but notice the pair of eyes that started following him more often.

That day onwards, their interactions went from 0, on a scale of 0 to 10, to almost a pretty good 9. They hung together, and Wonho introduced him to Hyunwoo and Kihyun, their roommates in the flat.

Wonho still thinks how different the things would have been if he hadn't seen Hyungwon having a meltdown on the floor of their training room, at midnight. They were practicing together till then, with Hyunwoo and Kihyun, and while the other two wanted to head home, Wonho decided to but some snackes so they could eat before they enter the confines of the dorms.

When Wonho came back, Hyunwoo and Kihyun were nowhere to be seen, and with Hyungwon was bawling his eyes out as if the world was ending, and it was the first time after that night, that Wonho saw the younger in tears. Everything in his hands dropped to the floors- the snacks, chocolates and other treats that he knew they all liked, and he dropped to the floor, next to the younger, tucking his head head under his chin.

What surprised him more, was that rather than calming him down, the action had a completely different effect on Hyungwon, as the cries got louder. For a moment, Wonho thought maybe he should give the younger some time for him to clarify things, but as soon as he tried to pull away, Hyungwon's grip on his sweatshirt tightened.

"Hyunwoo-Hyung....He and Ki-Kihyun are together." He finally hiccuped out, and at first Wonho didn't understand the sentence. 

"Of course they are together. We left them like that-"

"No! Not that way. Like together. They...They are dating."

Wonho didn't know how to react, for he really didn't mind whether they dated or not. He could congratulate them, if he has to, but he definitely wouldn't be crying like this. Until he had a-

"D-Do you like one of them? Kihyun?" Wonho didn't know why, but he felt hurt creeping into his heart. Maybe because Hyungwon never told him he was interested in men, or because he likes someone among their friends, who are probably in a relationship already. This would only make things complicated and awkward, if he really does.

"No."

"Then why are you crying?"

"I-I want to be like them."

"What?!"

"I want to be confident and date someone like that. I don't want to hide away and be afraid all the time, just because I'm a gay. I don't want to live like this." He sighed, and instinctively Wonho pulled him closer.

"Then don't." Hyungwon looked up, eyes red, swollen and confused.

"Do you have someone you like?" Wonho didn't know why his heartbeat was so fast, but he worried Hyungwon could hear it. But he needed to get over with it, so that he doesn't keep on expanding his dreams, until all of them collapse in a blink of an eye. He could be lucky if Hyungwon says he doesn't like anyone yet, because then he can try his luck. And if he is unlucky, Hyungwon could already like someone, with the worst case scenario being that Hyungwon meant that he wanted to come out with his partner.

"I do?" It seemed like a question that he was asking himself, rather than the answer he was giving to Wonho.

The air was thick with anticipation, as Hyungwon looked for an answer in Wonho's eyes, and Wonho looked for the same in Hyungwon's. Wonho didn't realize the closing distance between them, until his eyes fell on Hyungwon's lips. He didn't want to ruin whatever he had with Hyungwon, but somewhere deep down, he wanted to risk it if it meant he got the taste of those lips that his eyes never left since the day the younger came to their agency.

It was just an experimental peck, more precisely brushing of lips, but the moment was so full of emotions, that they ended of closing their eyes, even if for a couple of seconds.

Hyungwon's eyes were still leaking tears from the corners, when Wonho pulled back, but he had a small but satisfied on his face, so Wonho assumed whatever he did wasn't wrong. Hyungwon slowly opened his eyes, when he decided that Wonho wasn't diving in for more.

"So, where are Hyunwoo and Kihyun?"

"They said they were going home first, but Kihyun forgot his phone. I went outside to call him back, but he wasn't there, so I thought they were already gone. When I returned, they both were here, and both were... doing something."

Hyungwon fidgeted with his fingers nervously. Wonho smiled softly as he leaned in to steal another peck. Hyungwon looked actually surprised, but nowhere disgusted. On the other hand, his cheeks bloomed a dull pink and Wonho loved the sight of it.

"This?" He asked cheekily.

"What?"

"They were doing this?" Hyungwon finally seemed to have got used to Wonho's style, as he nodded a bit more confidently than before. A smile settled on thier faces, as they snuggled closer to each other despite their sweaty bodies from practice.

Maybe this is what is love. It's not plucking stars from the sky or promising a trip to the moon. It's just lying in each other's arms, looking at them and realizing that they better suit the sky, because there is no place for them between _them_.

An year later, Apex launched a duo, HyungWonho, and as the name suggested the two members were Hyungwon and Wonho. As soon as the debut lineup was let out, most of the trainees left, now quite sure that they had no hope here. Kihyun and Hyunwoo also left Apex, but they were still on good terms as they joined a small busking team,in the hope of being street-casted by some agency. And even then, they recorded and sent them videos of their busking times, and even though neither of them were to admit, both Hyungwon and Wonho had sneaked out to attend some of their busking.

* * *

"What will you do?" Hyungwon whispered, his voice matching the level of confidence he held in the moment. Wonho doesn't want to think. Because if he does, he's acknowledging that _something_ has to be done. He's not ready.

"I don't know. Let's just sleep. Think about this tomorrow, Wonnie." Wonho shuffled as he tried to gather his partner's leany figure into his arms and just bury his face in his neck until sleep finds him. But Hyungwon doesn't want to.

"Are you really considering the other option?" He seemed genuinely scandalized, and if Wonho wasn't worried about himself, he would have related himself to it.

"Hyungwon, it's not that simple. You know that."

"No, I don't. Tell me. Explain it to me." Hyungwon sat up in their bed, facing the elder who made the effort to stand up, now that he finally had to address the elephant in the room.

"Hyungwon, it's not that easy to explain-"

"So, it means whatever we had was never upto that level. You didn't consider it like that."

"I did. You are precious to me, Hyungwon."

"But the more precious thing here is your career, isn't it?"

"Hyungwon. Don't put it like that. I don't mean it."

"I don't care if you don't. You are choosing to continue your career rather than choosing me, and I don't know how else to put it." Hyungwon's voice was gradually decreasing in volume, and Wonho knew him well enough that it means he's angry beyond belief. It's all because of him, and for the first time, he can't do anything for it.

"We can still continue our career together, Hyungwon. We'll still meet quite a lot of times, and if we can to keep it a notch down, they won't even know."

"Brave of you to assume that once we agree to it, we'll still be HyungWonho. It was over the moment they found about us. The thing now is if we want to pursue our separate career with Apex or not."

Wonho didn't know how else he could convince him. For his part, he knew he was being selfish, for wanting to remain with Apex even when the clearly _threatened_ them for being in a relationship. But right now, he can't forget the moment and the thoughts he held when he signed up with Apex, in a spur of a moment, and let himself be dragged all the way back to square 1.

"Your silence speaks it all." Hyungwon stated, but his voice was void of any emotion he showed until a moment back. Instead it was a mirror of his given up spirit. He got up from his position, slipping out of Wonho's arms. He grabbed the coat that lay on the other bed in the room, and it was when Hyungwon had grabbed a bag and thrown some clothes into it, Wonho felt a strange feeling come up.

"Where are you going?"

"Kihyun's. I'll be in the company tomorrow. I'll nullify my contract, then." He declared.

"Wait!" Wonho grabbed the nearest thing connected to Hyungwon, and in that moment, it was the keyring that hung to that bag. It was a gift they both got in the fanmeet- a couple keychain with each half bearing the other's name. Wonho felt the guilt climbing up at the mere memory.

"W-we can find another way." Hyungwon's smile was bitter- more than the coffee he drank every morning and Wonho never wanted to look at him like that. But if it really was the last smile he gets, he just wants to store it in his memory, and never forget; _never ever._

"I get it, Hoseok."

"Don't. Don't call me that." Hyungwon merely nodded.

"You are having a hard time choosing, and I don't want to make it more difficult for you. Let's just say I was the one who chose the other option. It wasn't your fault."

Wonho shook his head, tears threatening to leak, but he wasn't sad now. No, they were angry tears.

"You don't get to be the better one, here! I'm hurting too. You don't know how difficult it is for me to make the decision. I would have always chosen you if I were to between us, but today it's not so easy anymore..."

Hyungwon's hand gently wiped at those tears which failed to remain imprisoned in his eyes, but Wonho still can't look him in his eyes.

"That's why I'm doing this, love." Hyungwon rarely called him by any nickname, and it suddenly felt as if it would be last time he does so. "I'm trying to make this easy. I want you to remember that it wasn't a choice for you to make. I made the decision for us, and I'm calling dibs on it."

Wonho grabbed at the hand that started to slip from his cheek with his own, eyes pleading into Hyungwon's shining ones.

"Just tonight. For my sake."

Hyungwon didn't seem ready for it, but when Wonho showed no signs of letting go of the hand, Hyungwon finally let the duffle bag fall to the ground and let Wonho manouver him to the bed.

The rest of the night was silent, but neither of their minds were, as both of them spent the night wide awake, lost in their thoughts of possibilities and repercussions of their decisions.

* * *

"Can you keep your voice low? He'll hear."

"For how long do you think you can keep my mouth shut under this useless reason? Just wait till Hoseok graduates. I'm taking him and leaving you so you rot here in this place _quietly_."

"And I'll leave him just like that? If I have to file an legal action, I'll do that. Hoseok will be mine."

Hoseok hopes that the earphones block the noise. He doesn't want to listen to the _quiet conversation_ his parents were having, and nor does he want to listen to the hopes his parents have against his graduation, because he doesn't want to pursue anything like that any further.

The music still plays in his headphones, a tune that he composed while pretending he was doing some school work. The computer was the first and last thing his family could afford to buy for him, almost 7 months of their savings, spent on it.

But the track still had something lacking- like everything seemed like it was perfect on the top- yet once he listened to it with his eyes closed, it lacked something. Like a special taste, that would define that song has _his_. 

Somehow, his life seemed the same as his music- lacking a _particular taste. His flavor._

"Hoseok, the food is ready, sweetheart. Come on." His mother called, and Hoseok hurriedly turned off the music in his earphones, letting his mom lead him into the dining room. His father was already seated, the room void of any voice except for the random static pattern their TV emitted.

Their TV didn't work so good, or he should say it rarely did. They didn't have money to buy a new one, and maybe that's why Hoseok is more burdened than he should be about his studies. 

The guilt ate him every time his parents sacrificed themselves for him to not disturb him during study. His parents learned to sleep even if the lights were on, because Hoseok used to stay up late until night to study, and while his parents thought he did so, he composed new tracks every night.

He thinks he might just tell them he wasn't interested in the studies like they expect him to do, but maybe it will be worse than hiding that thing from them.

  
"Hoseok-ah! You're just tired. Let's take a trip, go somewhere. Take a day for rest, and you can start studying from tomorrow again."

"I can't. I don't want to. The trip won't do any good, other than wasting our money, which we are already running short on." Hoseok asked, already packing his bags.

"I won't let my son do some useless thing, leaving his studies." His father declared, even his mother cowering at the sheer anger that underlay in his voice.

"And what if I do anyways?"

The smirk that passed through his father's face was nothing less than psychopathic, and for a moment Hoseok thought that's the end. He's going to be beaten up to pulp till he listens, or else just locked up until he gives up. He would never relate his father to such terrible and heartless act, but right now, his face shows no less than a strong intention to commit a crime.

"Then it won't be my Hoseok anymore."

Hoseok felt as if his world stopped there. As if his mother's tears were his own, and his father's cold aura, the reason for his trembling frame. He wasn't proud to be poor, nowhere near it. But being a son for his parents he was, and thought that would be proud of.

"Dad. If me looking for my dream would be losing your Hoseok for you..."

The resigned smile that settled on his face triggered more tears from his mother's eyes. Normally, Hoseok wouldn't have rested a beat to kill or at least _harm_ the one who made his mother cry, but today, everything seemed selfish. Everyone seemed to only care for themselves- their hopes, their dreams, their expectations. Not his life. Not his dream. And those tears were too. _Selfish_.

"...I'm sorry, but I'm not Lee Hoseok anymore, then."

His father at least had the mind to seem surprised, but the expression passed away as fast as the wind.

"Fine. Then my son Lee Hoseok is dead to me. You are free to go and live whatever life. But don't come to even cremate your parents, because you never had one. Starting this moment."

He dragged the luggage that sat on their creaking wooden floor, and threw it outside.

And even without a second look, the door closed on his face, even as the rain outside drenched him. And here he was, a dead Hoseok to his own family. He doesn't even know if he deserves this name.

A spur-of moment decision, and here he was, left on the roads of Gunpo, left to find his own future at barely the age of 18. As Hoseok stood up, he decided that he would never regret any decision he makes, because then it would all be a waste. His mothers tears, his efforts and his father's anger. He'll prove that his dream is no less than others, and nothing would be an obstacle in his path.

_"The next trainee, enter. What's your name?"_

_"Shin Wonho."_

* * *

The file slid on the laminated wooden table, the man on other side pulling the remaining part towards himself. He opened it, reading over the details once more, before his hand slid a second longer on Hyungwon's sign. With that, he closed the file, now facing the two people on the other side of the table.

"With this, your relations with Apex Entertainment end here, Hyungwon. For future matters regarding finance and other situations, you'll be contacting our legal team. The press release will state it as you leaving due to personal reasons, and if it is regarding the finances from promotion during HyungWonho, we'll think about it with our teams and convey it you in near future."

Hyungwon nodded all through it, with occasional glances at Wonho.

"I won't be so cruel by not letting you even have your last goodbyes, but I'll be making sure you both won't meet again in the future. I give you five minutes, so hurry up." With that, the CEO got up, leaving the room and slamming the door behind him.

"Will you... at least keep in contact?" Wonho asked, as their five minutes were coming to an end, most of it filled with silence.

Hyungwon took a deep breath. "It's better we end here. Let's not bother each other with unpleasant memories."

"I love you, Hyungwon. I do. And this decision won't change anything in that."

"It will!" It was the first time Wonho saw any emotion besides the practiced calm in Hyungwon's eyes, since the moment they walked into the CEO office that morning. There was anger, resentment and what not in those lovely eyes, but even in that tornado of emotions, Wonho wouldn't deny that he still saw Hyungwon's love for him. "It'll change the fact that our promises of forever will never be true. We'll be never together anymore. So don't you dare think it won't change anything."

"But there's one thing that won't change, Wonho. I'm proud it doesn't." His signature charming smile was back to his face, the crack in his perfect mask covered almost as if it didn't even break in the first. But he looked more resigned than ever.

"I chose myself over you, and you chose yourself over me. If someone has to be at fault, it's us both." With that, he hugged the elder one last time before the walked over to the door, taking a one last look- giving a one last smile towards Wonho for him to capture for his memories- before disappearing behind it.

And Wonho, he couldn't help being reminded of the day the doors of his house closed on him. He did what he had swore to do that day- prove that his dream won't be shattered by an obstacle- but why does he feel emptier than he did that day, that he lost a lot more than a dream, today?

_"Famous singer-producer duo HyungWonho splits apart, as member Chae Hyungwon terminates his exclusive contact with Apex Entertainment. Apex ensures the fans that even though Hyungwon had to terminate his contract due to personal reasons, Shin Wonho, the remaining member, would continue to promote as a solo singer."_

* * *

  
"What the hell where you thinking, Hyungwon?" Kihyun's voice resounded in their apartment, adding up to the already building headache in Hyungwon's head. He had no home, except Kihyun and Hyunwoo's, but if he had an option, he would have chosen Hell, because explaining the situation to Kihyun was nowhere an easy thing.

"Ki, it wasn't an easy choice, I guarantee you."

"Leaving Wonho was even a choice for you?" Kihyun demanded, but before Hyungwon even refute, Hyunwoo entered the room.

"Leave him alone, Kihyun. Let him take rest and we can talk at dinner. We're having another schedule now, so pack up." He turned to Hyungwon, once Kihyun left, grumbling about something and everything under his breath. "I'm not letting you off the hook, Hyungwon. You'll tell me what happened, and if needed we are going to ask Wonho as well."

"I'm not allowed to meet Wonho." He mumbled, but Hyunwoo heard it nonetheless.

"Says who?" The rage in his voice was poorly hidden, but Hyungwon felt warmth blooming in his chest at the gesture.

"Apex."

"That damned agency."

Before any of them could start again, Kihyun's voice rang through the apartment yet again.

"Hyung! We're getting late! You said we have to leave, and now you're delaying everything."

"I don't know how he could be so loud for such a small person. Anyways, go and I promise I'll explain everything later. All the best." Hyungwon sighed.

Hyunwoo took his leave, bidding goodbye to him, and leaving their flat all to Hyungwon.

* * *

  
"And till when do you think you'll need to overcome your so called slump?" Kihyun asked, his hand still resting over the blanket ball over the bed. There was some shuffling underneath it, but other than that, there was no sign of any head peaking out of it.

"Hyungwon, I know things seem pretty dark for you now, but please get some work. It's more for you than for me."

"I'll pay the rent."

Kihyun let out a displeased huff of air. "It's not about the rent, Hyungwon. It's not that me and Hyunwoo can't support you. You barely even eat anything, so it's not about money, Hyungwon. You need to get out of that cooped up corner of yours and get some fresh air. I thought you weren't so bothered by it, then why are you like this? Why are you becoming worse day-by-day?"

"i don't know." Hyungwon's head finally escaped the castle he made fro the blankets. He looked much worse than he did the last time Kihyun had forced him to eat, obviously not without Hyunwoo's help. "I miss him."

"He does too, Hyungwon. He calls me everyday, and I have to lie everytime that you're not here, or else he'll come finding you. I know you don't want it."

"I want to go back."

"Hyungwon. You took that decision, so hold up to it. Because the moment you regret, that's when it becomes the wrong choice."

"I thought I had much more pride than love for him."

"You don't." Kihyun declared. And looking at Hyungwon, no one would dare to refute.

After a beat of silence, Hyungwon's head raised, eyes hooded over with his hair matching Kihyun's. "I want to forget it. Everything."

"Move on, then. As long as you keep on crying every night for him, you wouldn't and couldn't forget him. Get a job, get indulged. Don't worry about salary. Just do something you want to." Kihyun advised, his hand finding Hyungwon's.

Kihyun knew Hyungwon needed the much required motivation and a bit of pushing around, so he could get back on his feet. He did risk his friendship with Wonho by lying about Hyungwon, but he knew it would be better for both of them to settle with the agreement. Neither would Wonho want Hyungwon to get in trouble because of Apex, nor would Hyungwon want to see Wonho destroying himself for something they both knew had already ended.

"I want to see him one last time."

"i'll ask Hyunwoo-Hyung to meet him at the cafe. We can go there without him knowing, but that's the last thing I'm helping you in anything related to Wonho."

Hyungwon nodded. Kihyun hoped it would end here, because he can see that both of them were hurting. And he hated it, as a friend.

* * *

  
"How are you doing?"

"If you think I'll say fine, even after knowing you are lying to me since 8 months, then sorry, but you're wrong."

"Stop playing with words and answer me properly, are you fine?" Hyunwoo leaned forward, eyes boring holes into Wonho's as he waited for the answer, even though he knew it.

"No. Honestly, who do you think would, when their friend is hiding their boyfriend, yet refusing to let them know."

"Glad that you know. I hate lying, anyways. So since we're at it, let me tell you that yes, Hyungwon is staying with us for the time being. And he's not your boyfriend, now." Wonho's eyes shot up at the declaration.

"Let me meet him."

"No, Wonho. Both of you are trying to move on, and this is only going to hurt you. Both."

"But I've so much I had to tell him. That I'm sorry, it is my fault that-"

"It's not. it's neither of your fault, Wonho. It's the situation. Either way, taking a step ahead and falling into the sea, or taking a step back and falling into the ditch. Those were the only two choices given to you."

"Had we taken the same decision, we could have at least been together, even if we hurt. I just want to be with him."

"It would have hurt more. You would have either blamed each other for your pains, or blamed yourself for each other's pains. Either way, it wouldn't have been any better than now. I won't say it's the best decision, but since you've taken the decision, stand up to it."

"But somehow, it is my fault-"

Hyunwoo grabbed Wonho's hand firmly, making him stop saying whatever he was. His grip was tight, but more than hurting, it was grounding.

"If you insist on finding faults, then me and Ki too are at fault. Had we made Hyungwon go back home and talk it out that night, rather than staying the night with us, all of this wouldn't have happened. Everybody has some fault somewhere, Wonho, and finding them right now won't change anything."

Wonho took a deep breath, and closed his eyes for a second. When he opened them, they were red and teary, as if Wonho was trying his best at holding down the tears. "It hurts, and the only way I could make it hurt less is blaming someone."

Hyunwoo's eyes softened at the sight of his best friend in tears, and honestly, he just wanted to curse and punch and kill all those people who made him like this, but he knew it wouldn't do any better. Wonho was hurting, and his first priority is to console him.

"Then let it go. Let go of the resentment, and let go of the pain. Take your time, but forget everything. That's the only way you both could live. You know you can't be together in a world that demands such strange things from you, to refuse your own self and live as someone else, and the only way is to move on."

"I don't want to forget him, Hyunwoo. He's the best-" Wonho's eyes were wide and flitting, almost panicked, and somewhat guilty.

"No, you're not forgetting him, Wonho. Let go of the bad memories only. But do remember him as the best thing that happened to you. Because he is, Wonho. I've seen you for an year before he came, but you never smiled like you did with Hyungwon."

Hyunwoo leaned forward, his hand resting on Wonho's. "Don't forget him. But don't hurt because of him, for then he won't be the best thing that happened to you."

There was silence on their table, sound from the rest of the cafe filling the lack of it around them, and Hyunwoo's eyes never left Wonho's as he waited for him to make up his mind. It was like a flick of light- like a light switched on, as Wonho's eyes found his own. They were pleading, almost as if making a request, but behind it, Hyunwoo won't deny that he could see the resolution.

"Let me see him. One last time."

Hyunwoo smiled softly. "Are you sure you're ready to move on, after getting one last look?"

Wonho nodded determinedly, and Hyunwoo couldn't be more proud of his friend.

"Then take it as a gift. Look behind me." Wonho's eyes widened, as he finally noticed the surroundings. When he looked behind Hyunwoo, he found a pair of eyes that stared at him, and a smile settled on his lips as Wonho noticed his presence.

"What's Kihyun doing here?" He asked, but Hyunwoo shook his head.

"He's not who you should pay attention to. The one sitting in front of him." Shownu suggested, but Wonho already followed the instruction before Hyunwoo even finished.

All that Wonho could look at was the back of the head, but he knew his Hyungwon so well that he could recognize it even by looking at his fingertips. Maybe Hyungwon had realized the heating stare of Wonho's gaze at the back of his head, or maybe Kihyun had nudged him, but as soon as their eyes met, it was as if the world stopped.

A silent conversation went on and on and on, as they both stared into each other's teary eyes, blissfully unaware of their surrounding. But that was only until Hyunwoo and Kihyun both placed a hand on their shoulder, and that was it. Both knew it.

They had ended it. _It was over._

**Author's Note:**

> Congratulations Wonho on his (re) debut. Wenee and Monbebe will always and equally love you. Fighting!!❤❤


End file.
